great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
