How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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