hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Vodka?
Forever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize