chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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