someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
