Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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