Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
