i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
