im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
