the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
