Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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