Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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