if i can run in heels then i can drive
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
