so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
