census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
two words...techno handjob
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Randomize
