matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize