I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize