Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
