So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
