Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
