i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
