why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
that is very illegal...i love you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
