Swine flu. Run for my life!
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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