The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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