i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
