the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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