true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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