I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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