On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
