Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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