My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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