i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
