he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
