I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
someone owes me an orgasm
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My vagina just recognized that song.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
