No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
