This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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