Life is so much better after having sex.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
