im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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