Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
