Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
