Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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