There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My room smells like vodka and shame
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
