Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
