I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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