So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
