my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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