Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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