Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
