Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
