I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
