Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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