I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
