This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
