I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
