So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
