Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize