Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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