The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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