You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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