Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize