I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize