Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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