Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
