This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
