I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
