I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
