Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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