I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
