I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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