I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize